The official novelist of the 2010 Winter Olympics · Posted Mar 2, 12:17 PM by Todd Babiak
Update: I have failed.
I am not the bad boy of Canadian literature. Just last evening, I discovered a spider in the basement. Instead of crushing it in a Kleenex or vacuuming it up, I collected the spider and put it outside. The night was rather mild, and I placed the spider close enough to the garage that he could sneak under a door and start a family.
Since deciding to become the bad boy of Canadian literature, I haven’t punched any strangers on the bus. I haven’t used illegal narcotics. One night, I got a red wine buzz. But it was organic.
There will have to be another bad boy of Canadian literature. Mingus? But I still need a brand. There are already plenty of sissies of Canadian literature, a number of blandly-dressed fifty-somethings of Canadian literature, and a few whiners of Canadian literature.
So I’ve decided to become the official novelist of the 2010 Winter Olympics.
So far, my e-mails to the organizing committee have gone unanswered. They must be on holidays or something, as I offered a rather complete package of incentives. I am willing to tattoo “Vancouver is a World-Class City” on my forehead and shave an Inukshuk in my chest hair.
In an effort to project Canadian culture to the world, in its fullness, I’m keen to change my name and pretend I am a blend of Cree, French, Japanese, Pakistani, and Lebanese. There is still plenty of time to learn relevant folk dances, to find heritage clothing in my size. I’ve already memorized Pierre Trudeau’s most important speeches, and I have nine anecdotes about Sir John A. Macdonald — howlers! — at the ready.
To satisfy worries about regionalism, I’ve secured addresses in each of Canada’s provinces and territories. My French: filled with colourful joual. And more! Stay where you’re to till I comes where you’re at, boy. Give ‘er. And such and such.
I think this is a great opportunity for synergy and maximal mutual benefit into the go-forward.
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Yeah, like you have chest hair.
— Kat Mar 2, 02:59 PM #
I dunno, Todd, I think this might get you in trouble with the estate of Pierre Berton. Sounds like you’re sort of treading on his turf, intellectual-property wise. Well, all except for the Inukshuk-shaving.
And hey – it seems to me you gave up on the “Bad Boy” brand a little too easily. Did you even try the leatherette pants?
— Rob D Mar 2, 09:03 PM #
Oh, come on, Todd – not only did you give up on Bad Boy, but 2010 has a guaranteed shelf life… it’s not something you can trumpet for the next forty years…
In an effort to help you out, I asked around for possible titles: here’s what we came up with.
Clown Prince of Canadian Letters
The “Hot Toddy” of Canadian Writers
Canada’s Answer to Alexander McCall Smith
This Generation’s Stephen Leacock
Any of them grab you?
— Christopher Mar 3, 10:59 AM #
what chest hair, bad boy?
— Laurie Mar 4, 08:36 PM #
Hands off Todd! What I didn’t get around to mentioning to you last night is I’ve been working on an Olympic satire “World Class” for the last year and a half and will soon be looking for publishers.
Go back to satirizing malls wheat-boy. Quatchi’s mine!
— Brendan Mar 5, 12:01 PM #
Yeeps, sorry Brendan.
— Todd Mar 5, 02:10 PM #
Sadly, Todd, you’re getting too old to be the bad boy of Canadian literature. Maybe even the bad boy of anything.
— BJ Mar 6, 02:03 AM #
You’re a very subtle and perceptive reader, BJ.
— Todd Mar 6, 04:10 PM #
Can I help you get a label?
I can punch people and drive my truck and spit. Maybe I can be like your Tommy Boy.
I want to help!
— Kirk Mar 7, 11:47 AM #
You once appeared in a dream of mine and handily assembled an overly complicated Ikea lamp: so maybe Helpful Person™ of Canadian letters? Oh, but wait: dreams aren’t real.
— Lisa Mar 8, 10:31 AM #
The Helpful Person™ of Canadian Letters? My God, that’s brilliant! It passes the PR sniff test: it’s vivid, authentic, memorable. Quintessentially Todd and quintessentially Canadian. And no matter that it came to you in a dream: your id was obviously working overtime on this important problem.
I want to vote for this one, Todd. You Helpful Person™, you.
— Rob D Mar 9, 08:11 PM #
Lisa is a genius.
— Todd Babiak Mar 10, 09:31 PM #