That Tom Hanks Movie · Posted Dec 30, 12:02 AM by Todd Babiak
I’m having an unexpected hormone attack. I assume hormones. It could also be sleeplessness or an as-yet-undiagnosed psychological disorder, of course. But I’m considering the suburbs.
It’s not an uncommon disorder. Young people get married and have children, and their priorities change. “Each child should have a bedroom” supplants “I like walking home from my favourite bars and restaurants, because I can drink way more.” Long have I mocked sport utility vehicles; yet I suddenly have a brochure for the Ford Escape Hybrid in the kitchen. I want a double stroller with a cross-country ski attachment, and it just won’t fit in our trunk.
This is what passes for logic with me now.
Why the suburbs? Why not find a slightly larger, more energy efficient house in the core of the city? I can find one. I just can’t buy one. The hood opens at $700,000 — a steal for New York City but a princely sum in Alberta. Unless, of course, you’re a labourer in the energy or construction industries. Which I am not.
I’ve been sneaking glances at MLS listings for houses that would require a commute from downtown. Not a terrible commute, but a commute.
To avoid what seems increasingly inevitable, I have begun purchasing Lotto 6-49 tickets. My parents always purchased Lotto 6-49 tickets. They would gather on the fridge, month by month, until the thickness of the tickets was too much for the most powerful magnet in the family arsenal. And someone, often me, would sheepishly appear at the local Husky, 6-49s in hand. “Can you check these?”
And they had to check them! They hated to do it, but it was part of the Husky code.
I grew up in the suburbs. The real thing: a bedroom community. My dad drove thirty-five kilometres to work in the morning. By contrast, I ride my bike one kilometre, through a river valley. I’ve been quite prideful about this, in past years. My neighbourhood is mature, historical, diverse, druggy. This is city living.
But it’s also, perhaps, unsustainable. Girl number two cries a lot, waking up girl number one and inspiring a ridiculous feedback mechanism. We can’t have proper parties. The toys per square foot ratio is an embarrassment. My “office” is the dining room.
I can either stop writing and go to law school, like my reasonable friends have done. Or I can move to the suburbs. Or, or, I can win the lottery.
Maybe there’s a medication I can take.
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Hey Todd,
As a Parkallen emigre now five years into the suburban life, let me give you a word of encouragement. Edge City isn’t as depressing as it’s made out to be. Sure, the community newsletters are treacherous and parochial (paint your fence deep-forest green and SCOOP that chihuahua poop!). Sure, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone’s monstrous Hummer or GMC SuperDuperCab. Sure, I miss the long, warm summer evenings when I could stroll under mature trees all the way to campus and into the valley, buzzing on blackberry wine and waving at old gardeners.
But on the other hand, the burbs are…um…sorry…I don’t know where I was going with this.
— Rob D Dec 31, 04:30 PM #
Good luck, Todd – I forsook my downtown 2-bed a few months before my second daughter was born. I landed in a Beaumont half-duplex, where the girls have a yard, a bedroom each AND a downstairs playroom. There is a sense of community out here that I never felt in my 15 years of hi-rises. I even have an office.
I work on the farthest southern edge of the city, so the commute is fine, but I still drive in twice a week to write at my coffee shop. You can take the boy out of downtown…
It’s not the end of the world (a minivan, socks with shorts and calling in noise complaints on teenagers walking by), but you can see it from here. Household maintenance sucks.
— Christopher Jan 2, 12:21 PM #
You can still get beautiful houses in Norwood for under $300K. In fact, there’s a big ol’ place across from ours for sale right now.
Your neighbours would be people like me and Paul, a nice single mom and her two gorgeous toddlers, a German immigrant family, a gay couple who hosts all the block parties, Anna AKA Baba, a community activist, two teachers and their three kids, and a couple of young people who like HP Lovecraft. Further on, there are musicians, restauranteurs, actors—it’s the new Whyte Ave.
But is it safe, you ask? On this block, yeah for sure. I left the back door unlocked for 6 days, and nothing happened.
— Mari Jan 2, 11:35 PM #
Was the unlocking an accident or a deliberate test, Mari? Was Henry your last line of defense, just in case?
— Christopher Jan 3, 12:19 PM #
Bite the bullet and move out to the ‘burbs! We can smugly sneer at the other suburbanites who clearly don’t recognise the absurdity as well as we do while we drink imported beer on plastic deck furniture discussing how to get rid of quack grass.
— Mike Jan 3, 06:41 PM #
Less cigarette butts on the ground in my neighborhood!! Less spitters and drunk rowdies too. Kids can ride bikes without being mowed down.
In the end, what matters most?
— Kirk Jan 7, 04:31 PM #
Geez Todd, you’re supposed to start the new year full of hope (they say this will be the best year ever!). Listen to Obama! Don’t give in to the, uh, siren charm of suburbia. Did you not read that New Yorker piece on commuting? How personal happiness declines the further one commutes? As Mari notes, there are great “inner city” ‘hoods where houses don’t cost $700k. Mine, Westmount, has a few, especially the far side of 124th. Sure, my son’s skateboard will be stolen off the porch when he leaves it overnight, but isn’t it nicer to actually have a porch?
— Peter Jan 8, 02:53 AM #
I want to thank you all for commenting on this important topic. Your thoughts are invaluable! And at the moment I’m feeling a mite too lazy to do anything about it. Come on, springtime!
I do love that Tom Hanks movie, though. “I want to kill everyone. Satan is good. Satan is our pal.”
— Todd Jan 8, 06:09 PM #
Saltine?
— Ronnie Jan 20, 12:49 AM #
please do NOT move to the suburbs. Do not become one of THEM.
Do you want streetsmart teenagers or helpless suburban sucklings who need a car to get around? Moving to the suburbs Will Kill You.
— emma gee Jan 29, 12:19 PM #
you could commute from here. Ocean views, plenty o’ trails, a ski hill with a 400cm base just an hour up the road, oh and the prettiest city in north america just 30 miles away. mabye you could just work from home if you moved here
— shawn Jan 30, 01:26 PM #